‘Sup bitches, I’m Chris Derricks, the tightest food critic this side of fuckin’ anywhere. Along with bacon, Sriracha is the most fervently worshiped food on the internet. A quick Google search pulls up countless memes, spin-off products, Halloween costumes, and tattoos that real people have given themselves out of love for Sriracha. Even that guy who draws comics about how much he sells books of comics weighed in on the Sriracha craze.
Bask in its splendor, for what the internet loves can be naught but holy.
So I decided to immerse myself in Sriracha culture. For a whole week I incorporated the hot sauce into nearly every aspect of my daily routine. I ate it on everything, I drank it, I bathed in it, I dumped buckets of it off highway overpasses. Here’s what I learned.
Sriracha Can Easily Replace All Other Liquids
Once you get a taste for Sriracha it is all too easy to let it become a major staple of your life. Sriracha over Coco Pebbles is surprisingly delicious, as is Sriracha noodle soup and Sriracha ice cream floats. In general, I found myself wishing I had previously thought to use the hot sauce in more aspects of my life. Sriracha goes great as a light afternoon apéritif, as well as doubling as hair conditioner, motor oil, and contact lens solution.
One thing Sriracha doesn’t do too well is water plants. My lawn, houseplants, and the big oak tree out back all turned brown and died around the third day I regularly dumped gallons of hot sauce on them.
My conclusion is that plants are total bitches.
To be fair, substituting Sriracha for all liquids in your life can get a little weird in some ways. Like when you fill your toilet tank with Sriracha and then go to take a shit. When you drop that first fat turd in there and the hot sauce inevitably splashes back up on you, well yeah, it can burn your asshole a little. But I ain’t no lame ass pansy, so I just wiped clean and went along with my day.
Admittedly this didn’t help as much as I had hoped.
It Brings People Together
On one of the early days of my Sriracha bender I threw a party at my place. All my top bros (Pinky, Slapface, Teeter, Totter, Nugget, and Frank) were there, along with a bunch of hot bitches too. And yo, when I throw a Sriracha themed party I pull out all the stops! We had a Sriracha slip-n-slide, Sriracha-themed DJ’s, a Sriracha wet T-shirt contest, and a bar stocked with enough Sriracha Vodka to drown Thailand.
This is a real thing.
Things were going pretty smoothly, aside from the occasional little bitch cryin’ after they jumped into the pool. The idiots apparently never heard that you ain’t supposed to open your eyes under pool water.
With the party in full swing, I went up to the bar, got myself a double Sriracha and cream, and started making eyes at this rail-thin sexually adventurous-looking broad. After I spent a few minutes pelvic thrusting the air in her direction, she came over to chat. Chicks can’t resist me.
In no time flat I got her panties so damp they started to mildew. We headed upstairs.
It’ll Spice Up Your Sex Life
I couldn’t wait to show this red-hot bitch my red-hot love rod. Because, wouldn’t you know it, Sriracha makes great lube! Soon as we got naked I slathered the hot stuff all over my dick until it was even redder than it normally is.
A warning for those of you following along at home: Sriracha can get a little hot on the sexy parts. The girl started screaming almost immediately, but that ain’t nothing I ain’t used to so I wasn’t worried. Sure it was a little uncomfortable, but it was way more exciting than the lube I normally use – Ranch dressing.
I am a total foodie, after all.
After a bit she was able to ignore the blotchy swelling and we got down to business. Because I’m such a heart wrecker, soon as I finished I kicked that bitch outta my bed and went down to join the rest of the party. Whoo! I’m Chris Derrricks!
Sriracha is Better Than Drugs (At Being Drugs)
I had just about made it to the bar to grab myself a Sriracharita when I heard some kind of screaming and commotion over in the living room. A group of partygoers stood around, wringing their hands and shouting into phones and shit. At their feet lay a twitching body. I shoved my way through, and when I saw his face I realized it was Frank, one of my crewmates for life.
A bunch of us had been scraping off that crusty layer that forms around the ring of the Sriracha bottle and grinding it up into powder to snort. Believe it or not, it gets you pretty fucked. I personally had been jacked up on the stuff for hours, and my tear ducts had not yet shown any signs of recovery.
Unfortunately, it looked like Frank had bumped a little too much of the red stuff. He was hollering and thrashing and crying and was either bleeding from a couple places or just leaking Sriracha. Either way, he clearly needed help right away. That’s when I stepped in.
I’ve seen Pulp Fiction, so I know exactly what to do when someone OD’s: Get the man an adrenaline shot!
Exactly like they do in the hospital.
Normally, the shot we’d be administrating would be a concentrated dose of Epinephrine or something, but to me that just didn’t seem strong enough. No, there’s only one chemical compound that I know of that can revitalize the senses and awaken the spirit. Only one deliciously spicy concoction that can save not only boring foodstuffs, but lives as well.
And so, before any of the people around me could finish saying, “Chris, are you sure about this?” I jammed a needle full of Sriracha straight into Frank’s heart.
Sriracha is a delicious, spicy flavor sauce that totally lives up to all the hype! I wish I could continue living a nearly completely Sriracha-infused life, but unfortunately I gotta come back to the real world of boring flavors. After a week, my taste buds have completely eroded and my stomach lining has been bleeding a lot, so it’s probably best to call it quits.
Plus, everyone is still pretty pissed at me for constantly chugging Sriracha throughout Frank’s funeral, so it’ll be nice to finally get them off my back about it.