Articles by Chris Derricks!

About Chris Derricks! (27 Articles)

Fuck off, I told them, I’ll write my own goddamn staff bio! You don’t know me! I’m Chris Derricks! I love to eat! I go out to some dope ass fancy ass restaurant on the company dime and eat the shit outta some gourmet cuisine, mu’fuckazz! Then I go out wit my crew and find some hot ass bitches and get fucked up on titties! Damn right you jealous! If I was a lame ass like you I’d be wishing I was me too! I’m the shit! I’m Chris Derricks!

Blood on the Water (The Florida Challenge Part 19)

August 9, 2016 // 1 Comment

The punch hit me hard right in the gut, a vicious uppercut that made each of my internal organs take turns slamming into my ribcage. The gun flew out of my hands and disappeared into the boat's wake. [...]

A High-Speed Boat Chase (The Florida Challenge Part 18)

July 19, 2016 // 4 Comments

The boat ahead of us smashed through the waves at full speed. We were gaining on them, despite their head start. We had less weight on board, since they were hauling a manatee and all. [...]

The Huntress (The Florida Challenge Part 17)

June 14, 2016 // 1 Comment

By now the majority of our surroundings were on fire. This warehouse was ripe for it. The explosions had lit up the numerous boxes and clutter, the flames racing to contaminate adjacent shelves. The whole warehouse was doomed. I said, "Yo, this is f***ing awesome!" [...]

A Murderous Rage (The Florida Challenge Part 16)

May 24, 2016 // 1 Comment

Bros don't cry. No way, no how. But something happens when you're betrayed by your fellow bro. You feel it. It starts deep down in your finely-toned core and works its way out. It ain't crying. It's liquid testosterone. [...]

A Ridiculous Last Stand (The Florida Challenge Part 15)

May 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

There I was, a travel blogger, accompanied by a zookeeper and four vaguely-foreign former captives. Together we were the unwavering legion of three hundred Spartans and this dark, dirty room inside of a villainous warehouse was our Thermopylae. [...]

Death and Prison (The Florida Challenge Part 14)

May 3, 2016 // 1 Comment

Manatee Challenge Death, Prison, and the Ladies

I lay there, blood pouring out of my neck, a simple metal door the only thing separating me from an armed militia responsible for countless human rights violations. In my professional opinion, I'd be dead in a matter of minutes. [...]

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Gunfire (The Florida Challenge Part 13)

April 21, 2016 // 3 Comments

It's tempting to think, when you find yourself imprisoned in a giant crate inside the warehouse of human traffickers, that you've hit rock bottom. But that's pretty shortsighted. Chances are, much worse things are still to come. [...]

A Nefarious Plot Revealed (The Florida Challenge Part 12)

April 14, 2016 // 1 Comment

All we had to do was sneak into the building, subdue the dozen or so armed smugglers roaming about, murder Sid, and then take back my manatee. Easy. [...]

Grand Theft Auto (The Florida Challenge Part 11)

March 29, 2016 // 5 Comments

"So you partner with a notorious human trafficker to steal an infant manatee, release a vicious bear from its cage, psuedo-kidnap a woman and fight her in your van, then steal some innocent guy's car and break his stuff? At what point during any of this do you think you're the good guy here?” [...]

Attack of the Megalodon (The Florida Challenge Part 10)

March 24, 2016 // 5 Comments

The thing was still down there, poking at me. I plunged my arm into the water after it, trying to mash it in my fingers. If I was gonna be dragged down to the depths by some Kraken then I planned on taking it to hell with me. [...]

No Friends in High Places (The Florida Challenge Part 9)

March 22, 2016 // 3 Comments

Sunshine Skyway, Florida Manatee Challenge

For what it's worth, I still felt relatively confident about our chances of survival. Then I took one peek over the edge and completely changed my mind. [...]

Some Light Felony Kidnapping (The Florida Challenge Part 8)

March 15, 2016 // 1 Comment

Well, none of this has gone according to plan. Stealing animals out of zoos used to be so much easier back in the day, you know? Now it's all, "stop!" this and "let the manatee go" that. [...]

The Florida Challenge Part 7: Chaos & Terror

March 8, 2016 // 1 Comment

The sloth bear was 400 pounds of muscle encased in shaggy black fur and tipped with massive, razor sharp claws. And now it was free and hungry and running our way. [...]

The Florida Challenge Part 6: The Heist

March 3, 2016 // 1 Comment

There wasn't anyone around to stop us from leaving the zoo. All we had to do was load the manatee and drive off. A clean getaway. Or so we thought. [...]

The Florida Challenge Part 5: Trouble at the Zoo

March 1, 2016 // 1 Comment

I grinned wider than my first girlfriend's beer gut. Here I was, right on the cusp of bagging my manatee. Ain't nothing gonna stop me now! [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge Part 4: The Smuggler

February 25, 2016 // 1 Comment

I want to liberate a manatee. Help the poor thing escape from this land of hurricanes and alligators. This is a moral crusade! Also I really want to win a bet. [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge Part 3: A Trip to the Zoo

February 2, 2016 // 2 Comments

OK, so my manatee hunt hit a pretty big snag right from the start. Mainly that I had no idea where to find a manatee. I was pretty sure that they were mostly aquatic, but that was about all I had to go off of. [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge Part 2: The Rules

January 19, 2016 // 1 Comment

I first learned about the Florida Manatee Challenge from my buddy Husk. I call him that because he doesn't have a soul. Still a good guy though, if you don't happen to have anything he wants. [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge

January 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

Ah, the Sunshine State! It's called that because the sun is billions of years old and so is the majority of the population of Florida. [...]

A Nostalgic Look at 4 Classic Kid’s Foods and the Children I Stole Them From

June 23, 2015 // 3 Comments

Remember kid food? You'd start the morning with a bowl of cereal sugary enough to give a hummingbird a boner, go to school and slap each other across the face with tubes of Go-Gurt, then finish off the day with a nice dinner of Gushers and Mountain Dew. [...]