Reviews – The Double Thumb

Discount Naughty Coupons for Couples

February 15, 2017 // 0 Comments

So you missed Valentine's Day. You're in the doghouse and the dog is sleeping on the couch. Your significant other doesn't want to talk to you without a lawyer present. We get it! Luckily, it's not too late to salvage the situation. [...]

A Life or Death Decision About Toothpaste

April 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

It was the smell that woke me. A putrid array of filth and decay assaulted my nostrils, so rancid that it was sticky and palpable. In a flash of groggy horror, I realized what was causing such a stench: I had not brushed my teeth in days. [...]

Zootopia is a Movie About Adorable Animals and Crack Cocaine

March 17, 2016 // 6 Comments

Zootopia is a Disney movie about adorable talking animals living in harmony. It's also about crack cocaine and conspiracy theories. Seriously. [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge Part 2: The Rules

January 19, 2016 // 1 Comment

I first learned about the Florida Manatee Challenge from my buddy Husk. I call him that because he doesn't have a soul. Still a good guy though, if you don't happen to have anything he wants. [...]

The Florida Manatee Challenge

January 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

Ah, the Sunshine State! It's called that because the sun is billions of years old and so is the majority of the population of Florida. [...]

Oprah’s Favorite Things Are Insane

November 9, 2015 // 0 Comments

Oprah's words of wisdom have gotten a little strange over the years. [...]

4 Tips for NaNoWriMo From Someone Who Has Never Done It Before

November 2, 2015 // 1 Comment

When I attempted to complete NaNoWriMo last year, I simply wrote the word “gibberish” over and over and over again. Unfortunately, I fell short of the goal by 2,000 words. [...]

A Nostalgic Look at 4 Classic Kid’s Foods and the Children I Stole Them From

June 23, 2015 // 3 Comments

Remember kid food? You'd start the morning with a bowl of cereal sugary enough to give a hummingbird a boner, go to school and slap each other across the face with tubes of Go-Gurt, then finish off the day with a nice dinner of Gushers and Mountain Dew. [...]

The Best Cookware to Keep Yourself From Getting Killed

June 16, 2015 // 1 Comment

I sat at my boss' desk with my hands clasped on my lap. I would have been the picturesque image of a model employee, had the gauze wrapped around my skull not started leaking again. [...]

A Review of The Shining in Which I Barely Go Insane At All

May 20, 2015 // 0 Comments

Either Stephen King crafted a pinnacle of modern literature because he worked tirelessly to create the best work he could out of sheer determination and talent, or it’s because he stayed in a creepy hotel one night. [...]

A Review of the Apple Watch That My Brother Has But Won’t Let Me See

April 28, 2015 // 0 Comments

I don't think you understand how much this watch means to me. [...]

Grand Theft Auto 5 is So Realistic I Became Friends With It

April 23, 2015 // 1 Comment

A weird feeling of unease had started to gnaw its way into my gut. This was starting to feel a little too realistic. [...]

The Top 5 Books I’m Currently Burning for Warmth

April 14, 2015 // 0 Comments

Have you ever actually tried to burn a book? It isn't an easy thing to do. They don't light up into a ball of fire the instant you put a torch to them. It takes a bit to get them going. [...]

Knocking Kids Off Bicycles and Other Fun Uses For Your Leftover Easter Eggs

April 7, 2015 // 5 Comments

If you're like me and you muscled your way past the children in the family in order to collect the most Easter eggs, then right now you've probably got more hard boiled eggs than you know what to do with. [...]

4 Cinematic Masterpieces Reviewed in Utter Gibberish Because It’s April Fools’ Day

April 1, 2015 // 0 Comments

Number doorstop flamp wunder horse, but tolf flubber lift colon bear. Holistic shellfer trubs, lip sex bulder schmarpf plont furderniftelmentation torf whiff. [...]

Sriracha is a Lifestyle Choice

March 11, 2015 // 1 Comment

For a whole week I incorporated the hot sauce into nearly every aspect of my daily routine. I ate it on everything, I drank it, I bathed in it, I dumped buckets of it off highway overpasses. Here's what I learned. [...]

A Review of “The Dress”

February 27, 2015 // 0 Comments

Okay look, clearly there's some dark magic Devil shit going on here. [...]

A Review of The Walking Dead Based Only on Spoilers

February 23, 2015 // 2 Comments

If I wanted to see teeming masses of mindless husks shuffling around without any ambition other than the unending desire to consume, I'd go to an Apple store. [...]

Fifty Shades of Grey Was the Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen at 7:45 Last Monday Night

February 19, 2015 // 5 Comments

Does this film degrade modern cinema, and the whole of culture by extension? I have no idea, but it certainly was the low point of my cultural perspective for about half an evening. [...]

Godiva Chocolates Gold Box: The Perfect Gift for Your Lunatic Valentine!

February 13, 2015 // 2 Comments

Sure, it was still a couple days until Valentine's Day, but I just couldn't contain myself. I wanted to see her again, even if she was a violently unstable potential murderer. [...]

4 Sad Movies Reviewed Solely by Their Wikipedia Plot Summaries

January 28, 2015 // 1 Comment

I don't have the energy to sit through two hours of actors making sad faces. There is enough drama and whining on my real life Facebook feed, so I don't need movies adding to it. [...]

A Review of the Chipotle I Just Robbed

January 14, 2015 // 2 Comments

I got no time for disrespect. What I do got time for though is delicious food. You bitches stick by me and I’ll tell you all about the tastiest shit you can shove into your teeth cave. [...]

I Guess I Just Hate Children – A Review of Harry Potter

January 7, 2015 // 4 Comments

I don't think these books are corrupting kids with their subtle Satanic messages. If anything, I wish they were. At least then these little bastards would have something interesting about them. [...]

Trojan Gold Collection Condoms: Ribbed for Murder!

December 31, 2014 // 13 Comments

I personally have been consistently awful at the art of the pick-up, which has not led me to become overly optimistic about my prospects. That and the fact that my last attempt at seducing a lady ended with my house nearly being burned down. [...]