food

I Made A Sandwich That Ruined a Child’s Day

May 10, 2016 // 2 Comments

I Made a Peanut Butter Sandwich That Ruined a Child's Day

My nephew is staying over at my house while my sister and her husband are out of town. For a while I got away with feeding the kid raw vegetables and saltines, but three days in I figured it might be time to cook something. [...]

I Somehow Managed to Screw Up Ham and Eggs

April 28, 2016 // 9 Comments

I Somehow Managed to F**k Up Ham and Eggs

There’s really no excuse for this kind of outcome, other than my own perpetual incompetence. But that’s life isn’t it? A series of mistakes followed by lessons learned. Yes, sometimes your food doesn’t come out the way you want it. We adapt, we grow, and we try to move on. [...]

The Beginning of My Kitchen Failures

April 19, 2016 // 1 Comment

If, years ago, you had told my college-age self that one day she would be getting paid to write a food and cocktail recipe column, she would have laughed right in your face and turned away to do another four bong hits. [...]

An Update About the Follower Contest and My Dog

June 30, 2015 // 0 Comments

Recently I announced a sort of a contest here on The Double Thumb. Whoever became the 100th follower would receive an ungodly amount of croissants. Well I am pleased to announce the winner of that competition: Alexil Fajardo! Congratulations! [...]

A Nostalgic Look at 4 Classic Kid’s Foods and the Children I Stole Them From

June 23, 2015 // 3 Comments

Remember kid food? You'd start the morning with a bowl of cereal sugary enough to give a hummingbird a boner, go to school and slap each other across the face with tubes of Go-Gurt, then finish off the day with a nice dinner of Gushers and Mountain Dew. [...]

The Best Cookware to Keep Yourself From Getting Killed

June 16, 2015 // 1 Comment

I sat at my boss' desk with my hands clasped on my lap. I would have been the picturesque image of a model employee, had the gauze wrapped around my skull not started leaking again. [...]

Knocking Kids Off Bicycles and Other Fun Uses For Your Leftover Easter Eggs

April 7, 2015 // 5 Comments

If you're like me and you muscled your way past the children in the family in order to collect the most Easter eggs, then right now you've probably got more hard boiled eggs than you know what to do with. [...]

Sriracha is a Lifestyle Choice

March 11, 2015 // 1 Comment

For a whole week I incorporated the hot sauce into nearly every aspect of my daily routine. I ate it on everything, I drank it, I bathed in it, I dumped buckets of it off highway overpasses. Here's what I learned. [...]

A Review of the Chipotle I Just Robbed

January 14, 2015 // 2 Comments

I got no time for disrespect. What I do got time for though is delicious food. You bitches stick by me and I’ll tell you all about the tastiest shit you can shove into your teeth cave. [...]

Month in Review: Halloween Edition!

October 29, 2014 // 0 Comments

The staff of Reviews of the Month proudly presents a selection of the most notable items that have come to our attention in the past month. And just in time for every ghoul’s favorite holiday, too! Enjoy, and try not to be too frightened to [...]

Halloween Candy!

October 29, 2013 // 0 Comments

Awww, yeah ladies! You know what time it is? It’s Chris Derricks-thirty! That’s right! I’m straight back from my house arrest, and ready to slip my turgid review right into your quivering mind-flesh! It’s Halloween, yo! Or, as I like to call [...]

Food: Mayonnaise On The Bottom Yogurt

April 3, 2013 // 0 Comments

‘Sup homies, Chris Derricks here. I’m laying low for the next couple weeks, mostly due to the house arrest (don’t ask). It’s not a big deal, I’ve got a big ass mansion that’s also probably technically a brothel, so I can [...]

Food: Monica’s Clam Loaf

December 8, 2012 // 0 Comments

Shit yeah, homos and heteros! Chris Derricks in the motherfucking house!! Been a while since I pumped a review into this frigid bitch. Let’s do this shit! Ladies, better buckle on a towel, because you’re about to dampen your redeeming [...]

Food: Seal Steak Central

June 20, 2012 // 2 Comments

Yo, bitches, I’m Chris Derricks! Respect! So The Double Thumb wanted to send me someplace fancy for my first food review with them and so I stood the hell up in that board meeting and demanded to review Seal Steak Central! They resisted at first, [...]