Yo, what’s up my dope ass readers!? Do you remember kid food? That stuff was great! You’d start the morning with a bowl of cereal sugary enough to give a hummingbird a boner, go to school and slap each other across the face with tubes of Go-Gurt, then finish off the day with a nice dinner of Gushers and Mountain Dew. That was the life, wasn’t it?
These faces showed me more love than my parents ever did.
Recently I got to feeling all nostalgic and shit for the confections of my past. Sure I could go out and buy all the Goldfish crackers and Twinkies I want, but that just isn’t the same. The best way to enjoy these foods is in their natural environments. Which is why I gathered together my bros and snuck into an elementary school cafeteria to steal lunch from some weak ass kids like I used to back in the day!
Come along delicious readers, we about to embark on a journey through childhood! I’m Chris Derricks!
1. Capri Sun
Who doesn’t remember sipping on a Capri Sun one minute, then spraying that shit out the straw like an impromptu squirt gun the next? The fourth graders at St. Westberg Elementary certainly won’t forget it, ’cause by the time we were done with them they were more wet and sticky than [Removed. This analogy is completely inappropriate for an article about children. –Ed.]
I rolled into the schoolyard with my crew: Pinky, Slapface, Teeter, Totter, Nugget, and Roscoe. Roscoe is new, since we lost one of the core members of the group a few months back. He’s been mostly cool so far. He can get aggressive sometimes, but that’s nothing a strong Chris Derricks pimp hand can’t handle!
Anyway, we blew right past the administration office (guest passes are for losers and parents!) and headed to the cafeteria. It was lunchtime, so the place was packed with big toddlers. Right away we saw that just about every kid was drinking Capri Sun, because that’s how awesome that shit is. With my crew at my back, I walked up to this one dude and pulled the metallic pouch out of his hand. Then I called him a punk ass bitch and squirted him in the face! That got the rest of my crew going and pretty soon we had a full-on Capri Sun battle going on, complete with little kids crying all over the place.
So yeah, Capri Sun is just as delicious as I remember it.
Lunchables are pretty fucking terrific. Where else can you get four Skittles and a slice of bologna all in the same place? Plus, when a meal comes with more plastic than actual food, you know you’re in for a treat.
As a kid, the best part about Lunchables was all the creative ways you could eat them. Luckily I found that none of that joy had gone away upon becoming an adult. You can combine all sorts of stuff together, and the more Lunchables you have, the bigger you can make your sandwich. Luckily, Lunchables are just as popular now as when I was a kid, so there was no shortage of variety around me. I’d snag a cracker from Timmy, some bologna from Susie, turkey from Aaron, every slice of cheese from Jackson and his bitch ass checkers club, then mash it all together with some Reeses Pieces and a hunk of peyote that I brought from home and I’d have the bitchingest sandwich to ever grace these booger-lined halls.
We had started to attract the attention of the surrounding adults, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the deliciousness of Lunchable mash in my mouth. These things have more salt in them than the Atlantic. Fuckin’ great!
3. Kid Cuisine
Kid Cuisine meals are like Lunchables except that they’re microwavable and also total bullshit. As soon as I ripped the TV dinner tray out of the fragile hands of some gap-toothed little cretin, I knew what an awful excuse for food this was.
“What is this shit, corn?!” I shouted, pointing at the yellow goop in the upper left compartment of the tray. “I’m not going to eat any stupid corn! Fuck you, Susan, you’re not even my real mom!”
I threw the tray across the room. It landed right in front of one of the teachers or security guards or whatever who was marching over toward us with a stern look on her face. She stepped on the tray and it slid out from underneath her. Her feet flew out into the air and she fell to the ground with a little gasp.
I laughed and laughed. This was just like when I knocked down yard duties back in the day! Oh man, nostalgia is great!
4. School Lunches
For me, the best part about being a school kid was inspiring riots in the cafeteria. Kids are impressionable, you know. You can get them to riot over just about anything: homework, insufficient recess time, race, whatever. For my nostalgic return to the days of my past, I decided to opt for a classic: school lunch outrage.
School lunches have always been terrible. They’re for the kids whose parents don’t love them enough to pack them a lunch. There isn’t a child in any cafeteria who likes school lunches. But they are all too small and weak to resist, so they need a leader. One to unite them and lead them out from beneath the heavy plastic tray of oppression! And with the majority of the adults out of the picture, now was the perfect opportunity.
I leaped upon the lunch line counter and kicked beans and pizza at the villainous lunch cooks. They recoiled their netted heads and screamed things into their cell phones, but I was undeterred.
At this point there was a large group of grown ups running toward us, coming to ruin our childlike wonder, no doubt. I sent Roscoe after them, to see what he was made of. He took to the task with gusto, throwing himself into our pursuers like a whirlwind of punches and elbows. Pretty soon nearly everyone these kids looked up to as authority figures was laid out on the ground, groaning and/or unconscious.
I decided to use the moment of pandemonium to inspire a revolution.
I shouted, “Yo! Begone, you wretched devils! You who prey upon the weak with malice and soggy hamburgers! You oppress these children one meager serving of box milk at a time! But enough we say! We rise to take back mealtime from your boring and malnutritious clutches! Say it with me kids: ‘Down with the system! Fuck grown-ups!’”
It was about then that I was tasered in three or four different places.
Schools these days are a lot more paranoid than they used to be. Nowadays they’ve got three or four cops roaming the place, just waiting for some schmuck to come along and try to reclaim his lost youth. It’s crazy! This whole country’s gone to bullshit, I’ll tell you what.
Anyway, these damn squares sentenced me to a buncha months of house arrest for daring to dream of being a kid again. The rest of my crew didn’t fare well, neither, being in cahoots with me and whatnot. Of course, Roscoe got it the worst. 10-15 in the slammer because of the whole aggravated assault thing, so that’s a real bummer. Sorry buddy! I’ll smuggle some Lunchables into the cell for you when I come visit.
Oh well. It ain’t all bad. I get to wear this bitchin’ ankle bracelet and lounge around in my mansion for a while. Luckily, I’ve got plenty of Sunny D and Fruit Rollups in here with me, so I’m just gonna spend these next few months basking in one long sugar coma! This is gonna be great! Derricks out!