The Florida Manatee Challenge
Chris Derricks tries to illegally steal a manatee from its natural habitat and get it as far away from Florida as possible. The experience does not go smoothly, but it does kick ass.
The punch hit me hard right in the gut, a vicious uppercut that made each of my internal organs take turns slamming into my ribcage. The gun flew out of my hands and disappeared into the boat's wake.
[...]The boat ahead of us smashed through the waves at full speed. We were gaining on them, despite their head start. We had less weight on board, since they were hauling a manatee and all.
[...]By now the majority of our surroundings were on fire. This warehouse was ripe for it. The explosions had lit up the numerous boxes and clutter, the flames racing to contaminate adjacent shelves. The whole warehouse was doomed. I said, "Yo, this is f***ing awesome!"
[...]Bros don't cry. No way, no how. But something happens when you're betrayed by your fellow bro. You feel it. It starts deep down in your finely-toned core and works its way out. It ain't crying. It's liquid testosterone.
[...]There I was, a travel blogger, accompanied by a zookeeper and four vaguely-foreign former captives. Together we were the unwavering legion of three hundred Spartans and this dark, dirty room inside of a villainous warehouse was our Thermopylae.
[...]I lay there, blood pouring out of my neck, a simple metal door the only thing separating me from an armed militia responsible for countless human rights violations. In my professional opinion, I'd be dead in a matter of minutes.
[...]It's tempting to think, when you find yourself imprisoned in a giant crate inside the warehouse of human traffickers, that you've hit rock bottom. But that's pretty shortsighted. Chances are, much worse things are still to come.
[...]All we had to do was sneak into the building, subdue the dozen or so armed smugglers roaming about, murder Sid, and then take back my manatee. Easy.
[...]"So you partner with a notorious human trafficker to steal an infant manatee, release a vicious bear from its cage, psuedo-kidnap a woman and fight her in your van, then steal some innocent guy's car and break his stuff? At what point during any of this do you think you're the good guy here?”
[...]The thing was still down there, poking at me. I plunged my arm into the water after it, trying to mash it in my fingers. If I was gonna be dragged down to the depths by some Kraken then I planned on taking it to hell with me.
[...]For what it's worth, I still felt relatively confident about our chances of survival. Then I took one peek over the edge and completely changed my mind.
[...]Well, none of this has gone according to plan. Stealing animals out of zoos used to be so much easier back in the day, you know? Now it's all, "stop!" this and "let the manatee go" that.
[...]The sloth bear was 400 pounds of muscle encased in shaggy black fur and tipped with massive, razor sharp claws. And now it was free and hungry and running our way.
[...] There wasn't anyone around to stop us from leaving the zoo. All we had to do was load the manatee and drive off. A clean getaway. Or so we thought.
[...] I grinned wider than my first girlfriend's beer gut. Here I was, right on the cusp of bagging my manatee. Ain't nothing gonna stop me now!
[...]I want to liberate a manatee. Help the poor thing escape from this land of hurricanes and alligators. This is a moral crusade! Also I really want to win a bet.
[...]OK, so my manatee hunt hit a pretty big snag right from the start. Mainly that I had no idea where to find a manatee. I was pretty sure that they were mostly aquatic, but that was about all I had to go off of.
[...]I first learned about the Florida Manatee Challenge from my buddy Husk. I call him that because he doesn't have a soul. Still a good guy though, if you don't happen to have anything he wants.
[...] Ah, the Sunshine State! It's called that because the sun is billions of years old and so is the majority of the population of Florida.
[...]
The Double Thumb 