Month in Review: Halloween Edition!

The staff of Reviews of the Month proudly presents a selection of the most notable items that have come to our attention in the past month. And just in time for every ghoul’s favorite holiday, too! Enjoy, and try not to be too frightened to whip out those wallets and purchase as much as you possibly can.

Best of the Month

Real Sounds of Death

Not your average, phony Halloween sound effects CD! Press play when night falls to give your house that extra layer of spooky atmosphere for trick-or-treaters! Perfect for young children on the cusp of comprehending their own mortality.

High-Minded Costumes

Struggling to figure out a last minute Halloween costume? If you had put a little more thought into it, you could have gone as a representation of the effects of greed on Mexico’s homosexual minority, like this guy:

This delightful book is chock full of thought-provoking costume ideas that pack a moralistic punch. Wear an Uncle Sam hat and a paper chain made of folded dollar bills around your neck to go as the shackling influence of money in politics. Climb into an orange jumpsuit with three or four of your friends to dress as the rampant overcrowding of U.S. prisons due to outdated drug enforcement policies.

Features options for any budget, age, education level, body type, gender, gender self-identification, racial privilege, gluten intolerance, or fabric preference.

Trident Halloween Flavors

The folks at Trident have done it again! Hot on the heels of their delicious Pumpkin Spice gum comes this new collection of eclectic flavors, sure to get your mouth in the Halloween spirit. Selections include:

• Popcorn ball
• Stale Candy Corn
• Carved Pumpkin & Candle
• Human Blood
• Viscous Ectoplasm
• Werewolf

You’d better hurry! These seasonal flavors won’t last for long!

Evil Laundry

It’s more than just a lazy Halloween costume…

In this instant classic horror film, trouble is brewing for the occupants of a laundromat in the small town of Hopscotch, Indiana. Granted sentience by a dry cleaning clerk’s dying curse, the town’s bed sheets and other linens have come to life. Realizing they are fed up with being folded, ripped, and stained, the sheets begin wreaking vengeance upon the people who took advantage of them for so long.

They’ve been washed in hot too many times, and now they’re getting even!

Worst of the Month

Apples

I swear to God, if my kid gets even one of these fucking things in her bucket, I’m going to burn down every house on the street. This is Halloween, asshole, not a farmer’s market. Last year, someone gave my daughter a Chocolate Orange and I chucked it through his front window like a hand grenade. Fruit has no business associating with candy!

And don’t think that just because you cover it in caramel and nuts that it makes it better. It doesn’t; there’s still a goddamn apple under there. You can stick a turd in a fondue fountain and it will still taste like a turd. You know how I know? Because I’ve tried it.

  

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