‘Sup homies, Chris Derricks here. I’m laying low for the next couple weeks, mostly due to the house arrest (don’t ask). It’s not a big deal, I’ve got a big ass mansion that’s also probably technically a brothel, so I can manage to stay put for a while. Now, regular readers will know that normally I’m high-octane as shit. I go out to the fanciest, most elite establishments and eat food worth more than any house you’d ever be legally confined to. However, since I’m trapped in my kitchen like a housewife in a loveless marriage, I figured I’d have to tone it down a bit and review some domestic foodstuff even you yokels could afford. Lucky for you, I chose something goddamn delicious.
Mayonnaise On The Bottom yogurt is the succulent surprise your mouth has been waiting for. It’s produced by MayoCorp Industries, and it will make love to your palate. Now look, normally I don’t eat yogurt, ‘cause I’m no bitch, but exceptions gotta be made here. This yogurt is some of the best stuff I’ve ever eaten, and believe me, I have put a ton of things in my mouth.
As of this review, there are thirty-seven flavors of Mayonnaise On The Bottom. An important point to note here is that regardless of flavor, all the yogurt is white. From classic vanilla to double-chocolate fudge, all the flavors are basic white in color. This is done specifically to make it blend in with the mayonnaise. Also, the amount of mayonnaise is different in every cup, so it really becomes a challenge to differentiate between the mayo and the yogurt.
Now, If you’re asking “why mayonnaise,” well then fuck you right in the hole where your sense of adventure should be! The mayo is what makes this yogurt so damn good! You’re not supposed to eat the mayonnaise. That would be nasty. No, the mayonnaise is there simply to enhance the experience of eating the yogurt. With every bite, you get closer and closer to that creamy, perilous reservoir. You never know quite where it’s going to be, but the inevitable presence of mayonnaise lurks there at the end, waiting to stab you in the taste buds should you get careless. It makes you slow down, and savor each and every mayonnaise-free bite. It makes the sweetness of the yogurt all the more tasty. Think about it. Where’s the fun in life without a sense of danger? Eating this yogurt is like having sex without the condom or the background checks. It’s just so much more of a rush!
Shit. There it is. I got to the mayonnaise. Ugh. God damn, this stuff is good!
Now, I get bored easy, so luckily this stuff comes in a variety of forms to spice things up. You’ve got your regular cup, which is probably your safest option as far as mayonnaise-avoidance goes. But for the yogurt lovers on the go you have portable Go-Gurt style Mayonnaise On The Bottom tubes (be careful with these, the mayo tends to get mixed up in there). Then for you health conscious types there’s the increasingly popular Mayonnaise On The Bottom probiotic shakes. They claim to be full of “beneficial active cultures,” but I think what MayoCorp means by that is that they just added a bunch more mayonnaise. Still, it’s incredible and you should chug a jug!
In addition to this amazing yogurt, MayoCorp makes a bunch of other terrific mayonnaise-laden products as well, such as Mayonnaise At The Center cream puffs, and Just Add Mayonnaise pancake mix. The possibilities really are endless, so there’s a whole slew of them out there. And as long as they keep mayonnaise-ing foods, I will keep eating them!
You haven’t lived if you haven’t made fudge with this baby.
As far as a verdict goes, I can’t possibly give Mayonnaise On The Bottom, or really any MayoCorp product to date, anything but the highest of ratings. This stuff is stupid delicious, and packed with peril and intrigue for go-getting risk-takers such as myself. You can disagree with me, but let’s be straight: if you don’t like random mayonnaise in your food, then you don’t like fun, and you need to be slapped in the dick with a shovel.
Just don’t call the cops and blame it on me again, I can’t deal with hard time like this anymore.
10 out of 10