Knocking Kids Off Bicycles and Other Fun Uses For Your Leftover Easter Eggs

Chris DerricksIf you’re like me and you muscled your way past the children in the family in order to collect the most Easter eggs, then right now you’ve probably got more hard boiled eggs than you know what to do with. Rather than letting them sit in your fridge for weeks and slowly rot, why not have some fun and roll around in a car with your bros and drive-by some punks with egg bombs?! This list will help get you started putting your old chicken turds to good use.

Now, you might might be asking, “Hey Chris, is this whole article just going to be about throwing eggs at unsuspecting people?”

And the answer is no! Some of them are animals.

1. Throw your leftover eggs at stray cats!

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Cats are naturally warm blooded mammals, which means they give live birth to their young. This makes them all the more confused when you pelt them with brightly decorated eggs.

At first it might be hard to find a bunch of stray cats, but once you know where to look you’ll have a steady supply of the furry targets. Alleyways, dense wilderness, or inside your neighbors’ houses are all good places to start.

It helps to be patient, too. Sometimes I just sit on my porch all night waiting for some idiot cat to come slinking around. Then POW! Egg to the whiskers!

Look, Bob Barker had his way of controlling the pet population, I’ve got mine.

2. Hurl your eggs at homeless people!

Homeless Header

This is something I do all year round, so don’t feel like you can only throw eggs at the homeless around Easter. It’s a lot funnier to do it with raw eggs, ’cause then the dudes have to scrape all the goop out of their beards, but your leftover hard boiled ones should work fine too.

The best part is the reactions you get! I remember hitting one bum right in the nose with an egg that had a bunny painted on it. The guy got real mad and chased after me and I ran away because he was way bigger than I am but when he finally caught up to me he just said, “Thanks for the egg” and walked away. So now I think of it as a humanitarian thing. I’m feeding the homeless, yo!

3. Go to a golf course and throw eggs at the golfers and then when they’re distracted have someone else sneak up and replace the ball on their tee with another egg!

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Granted, it’s not very hard to piss off rich white guys, but this is definitely one of the most fun ways you can do it.

4. Go to the aquarium and throw eggs into the stingray petting tank!

Ha ha, these dumb ass stingrays can’t even sting! That’s because some people cut of their stingers and threw them in a shallow tank so little kids could come pet them and shit. That’s how we humans assert our dominance over the bitch ass animal kingdom! You can help by sneaking a basket full of old Easter eggs into your local aquarium and throwing as many of them at the stingrays as you can before security kicks you out of the building. Ha ha, stupid stingrays! They’ll have no idea what the fuck is happening because chicken eggs don’t occur naturally in their habitat! Man wins again!

5. Leave a flaming bag of dog poop on someone’s doorstep and ring the doorbell. When they come to stomp out the fire, peg ’em in the head with an egg!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! They never see it coming! Classic!


Follow Chris Derricks on Twitter.


Image credits: Cat, Person, Golfer, Stingray, Poop fire

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About Chris Derricks! (27 Articles)
Fuck off, I told them, I’ll write my own goddamn staff bio! You don’t know me! I’m Chris Derricks! I love to eat! I go out to some dope ass fancy ass restaurant on the company dime and eat the shit outta some gourmet cuisine, mu’fuckazz! Then I go out wit my crew and find some hot ass bitches and get fucked up on titties! Damn right you jealous! If I was a lame ass like you I’d be wishing I was me too! I’m the shit! I’m Chris Derricks!

5 Comments on Knocking Kids Off Bicycles and Other Fun Uses For Your Leftover Easter Eggs

  1. Why can’t they fill them with dark chocolate mousse laced with bourbon? I’ll pretend to be Catholic for a day if that’s on the menu….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Who the hell hunts for hard boiled eggs? It’s solid chocolate wrapped in glued-on, whisper-thin foil or nothing.

    I think I’ve crapped out half a pound of that foil by now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww yeah, those are plenty good for throwin’ at people too!

      Gotta be the solid chocolate ones, though. Nothing worse than biting into one of those chocolate eggs or bunnies and realizing they’re hollow inside. And I mean there’s NOTHING worse. If I had a time machine that I could only use one time I would go back to when they were making the stupid hollow chocolate rabbit I just ate and I’d force them to fill it full! There’s no excuse for giving me half the food I thought I was getting.

      Anyway yeah, foil is delicious!!!!

      Like

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