Hey people, I’m a travel writer now. With The Double Thumb moving into being more of a culture publication, the higher ups have decided to send me out and about. This is totally fine by me, because that means my airfare and accommodations are comped. The more free crap the company gives me the happier I am. And frankly, they had been skimping out on the freebies for a while there. For instance, last year I only got two Escalades. Two! For me, Chris Derricks! What a goddamn outrage.
The cheap bastards.
Anyway, luckily the bosses are starting to appreciate the valuable resource that is me, so starting now I’ll be jet-setting all over the place just to have the privilege of telling you about it!
However, as many of you know, travel can be freaking boring. Sure, there’s the rote parts of it that everyone hates like air travel, hotel mishaps, and contracting dysentery. But the absolute worst part about travel is the fucking people telling you about their travels. There are thousands of travel blogs out there where some white chick gargles flowery sentences about how “enlightening” the children of Papa New Guinea are or some shit.
Look, just because the sixty other people who populated your garbage hometown had to listen to you doesn’t mean that the rest of us will. Yes, we’re all very impressed that you put your terrible carpentry skills to use building ramshackle lean-tos for poor Mexicans who would have much preferred to just be given the money you spent on lumber. Please use one of your leftover nails to clamp your sanctimonious lips shut.
Yeah, you’re doing really great here. That house doesn’t even have a roof, idiots.
That’s why I’m committed to making these journeys interesting. For every trip I am going to impose a challenge upon myself. A real challenge, not some bullshit like “try ten new foods.” Maybe my challenge will be to kill a guy. Or maybe it will be to bang the queen or whatever the equivalent is in that particular country. Who knows? They’ll vary every time, and I am open to outside suggestions, inebriated or otherwise.
Tweet at my shit, bitches! What my self-promotion lacks in tact it makes up in brute-force honesty.
So where am I off to on my first assignment? Fucking Florida, that’s where! The Sunshine State, so called because the sun is billions of years old and so is the majority of the population of Florida. Oh shit! You weren’t expecting a joke about elderly people in an article about Florida, were you? That’s right, I went there. I’m bold. I’m bold as a Franklin Gothic typeface.
Yeah, this bold.
I’ve been to Florida once before, though I spent three out of my four days inebriated in a secret Disney World prison so I don’t really have much of an impression of the state in general. This time, however, the plan was to go for two whole weeks, so I was bound to experience a reasonable amount of Florida. I was absolutely going to need every one of those days to … prepare.
The people of Florida, though legendarily strange in their own right, got nothing on the wildlife. Among others, you’ve got gators gathering upon the lawns, sea turtles and sharks duking it out in the crystal clear water, and ibises doing their best to trick everyone into thinking they’re a real bird and not actually some alien life form poorly disguised as an Earth-creature.
I’m on to you, you shifty son of a bitch.
Then, of course, there’s the Florida manatee. Ah, the manatee. That gentle, lethargic beast. They spend the entirety of their time lounging around in the warm gulf waters, doing nothing but being fat and lovable. Wouldn’t it be great to just have one as a pet? I mean, you can’t of course, because they’re a federally protected species. But if you were able, wouldn’t you want to take one home with you? Of course you would. And that, my friends, provides us with a beautiful segue into the revelation of the very first Chris Derricks travel challenge. Voila!
The Florida Manatee Challenge:
Capture a Florida manatee in the wild and transport it, alive, as far away from Florida as possible without being apprehended by authorities.
That’s right, yo. I’m going to steal a manatee!
Your days of fun in the sun are numbered, you adorable tub of lard.
Tune in next week to see how it goes! Derricks out!