Sagas

Blood on the Water (The Florida Challenge Part 19)

August 9, 2016 // 1 Comment

The punch hit me hard right in the gut, a vicious uppercut that made each of my internal organs take turns slamming into my ribcage. The gun flew out of my hands and disappeared into the boat's wake. [...]

Fight Club Part 3: The Hospital

July 26, 2016 // 1 Comment

I smile to myself. It is actually fortunate that there are bandages covering my entire face. This way the officer cannot detect any microexpressions on my features that may indicate I am lying. [...]

A High-Speed Boat Chase (The Florida Challenge Part 18)

July 19, 2016 // 4 Comments

The boat ahead of us smashed through the waves at full speed. We were gaining on them, despite their head start. We had less weight on board, since they were hauling a manatee and all. [...]

Fight Club Part 2: The First Punch

June 21, 2016 // 8 Comments

He stands only a couple inches taller than me, but the difference feels like miles. It occurs to me that I have never been in a fight before. And yet here I am, standing against this Corinthian column of muscle and sinew. [...]

The Huntress (The Florida Challenge Part 17)

June 14, 2016 // 1 Comment

By now the majority of our surroundings were on fire. This warehouse was ripe for it. The explosions had lit up the numerous boxes and clutter, the flames racing to contaminate adjacent shelves. The whole warehouse was doomed. I said, "Yo, this is f***ing awesome!" [...]

I Am Starting My Own Fight Club

May 26, 2016 // 9 Comments

Since I plan to model my life around a book I had better make it something exciting. Something particularly visceral. Something punchy. Perhaps, in this case, the obvious choice is the best one. [...]

A Murderous Rage (The Florida Challenge Part 16)

May 24, 2016 // 1 Comment

Bros don't cry. No way, no how. But something happens when you're betrayed by your fellow bro. You feel it. It starts deep down in your finely-toned core and works its way out. It ain't crying. It's liquid testosterone. [...]

It is Time to Have a Novel Experience

May 19, 2016 // 4 Comments

I have grown tired of the endless desert of dry literary analysis. I've collapsed, my throat parched for something different. Something refreshing. [...]

A Ridiculous Last Stand (The Florida Challenge Part 15)

May 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

There I was, a travel blogger, accompanied by a zookeeper and four vaguely-foreign former captives. Together we were the unwavering legion of three hundred Spartans and this dark, dirty room inside of a villainous warehouse was our Thermopylae. [...]

I Made A Sandwich That Ruined a Child’s Day

May 10, 2016 // 2 Comments

I Made a Peanut Butter Sandwich That Ruined a Child's Day

My nephew is staying over at my house while my sister and her husband are out of town. For a while I got away with feeding the kid raw vegetables and saltines, but three days in I figured it might be time to cook something. [...]

Death and Prison (The Florida Challenge Part 14)

May 3, 2016 // 1 Comment

Manatee Challenge Death, Prison, and the Ladies

I lay there, blood pouring out of my neck, a simple metal door the only thing separating me from an armed militia responsible for countless human rights violations. In my professional opinion, I'd be dead in a matter of minutes. [...]

I Somehow Managed to Screw Up Ham and Eggs

April 28, 2016 // 9 Comments

I Somehow Managed to F**k Up Ham and Eggs

There’s really no excuse for this kind of outcome, other than my own perpetual incompetence. But that’s life isn’t it? A series of mistakes followed by lessons learned. Yes, sometimes your food doesn’t come out the way you want it. We adapt, we grow, and we try to move on. [...]

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Gunfire (The Florida Challenge Part 13)

April 21, 2016 // 3 Comments

It's tempting to think, when you find yourself imprisoned in a giant crate inside the warehouse of human traffickers, that you've hit rock bottom. But that's pretty shortsighted. Chances are, much worse things are still to come. [...]

The Beginning of My Kitchen Failures

April 19, 2016 // 1 Comment

If, years ago, you had told my college-age self that one day she would be getting paid to write a food and cocktail recipe column, she would have laughed right in your face and turned away to do another four bong hits. [...]

A Nefarious Plot Revealed (The Florida Challenge Part 12)

April 14, 2016 // 1 Comment

All we had to do was sneak into the building, subdue the dozen or so armed smugglers roaming about, murder Sid, and then take back my manatee. Easy. [...]

A Life or Death Decision About Toothpaste

April 12, 2016 // 1 Comment

It was the smell that woke me. A putrid array of filth and decay assaulted my nostrils, so rancid that it was sticky and palpable. In a flash of groggy horror, I realized what was causing such a stench: I had not brushed my teeth in days. [...]

Grand Theft Auto (The Florida Challenge Part 11)

March 29, 2016 // 5 Comments

"So you partner with a notorious human trafficker to steal an infant manatee, release a vicious bear from its cage, psuedo-kidnap a woman and fight her in your van, then steal some innocent guy's car and break his stuff? At what point during any of this do you think you're the good guy here?” [...]