For me, the first image that Axe Body Spray evokes is the boys locker room in 8th grade. A kid named Eddie would constantly spray himself with the stuff until it gave his skin a glistening sheen. But my memory of Eddie is also accompanied by something else: chicks. Clearly, judging by the veritable harem that followed his every move, the Axe had to be doing something good for him. Which is why I’ve decided to try it out.
I’m single as of recently, so naturally I’m starting to ease back into the game of love. It’s been a while since I’ve put myself through the mental Tough Mudder that is the courting process, so I figured I would need every advantage I could get. That’s where Axe Gold Temptation body spray comes into play.
Just Purchasing it is Exciting
The TV ads promised that Axe Gold Temptation would make me, “smell like sex feels” (or something like that). Normally I don’t put much stock in marketing claims, but as I stood in the local drug store with a can of Axe in my hand, a young female employee saw me and stopped dead in her tracks. Her hands flew up to block her face.
“Please don’t spray that stuff around me!” she said. “I’m not sure I would be able to control myself and I didn’t bring a spare change of pants!”
For a second it seemed like she was about to start laughing, but looking back on it I’m sure she was just quivering in erotic terror. Don’t worry, I didn’t take advantage of the situation; I just bought sixteen cans of Axe Gold Temptation and was out of the store without incident. I moved with purpose now, armed with the knowledge that this stuff was going to work!
It Brings the Women Right to You
When I got home I eagerly showered, manscaped my fun bits, and threw on my finest clubbin’ threads. I’m horrible at dancing (I’ve been white since birth) but tonight I wasn’t worried about looking stupid. After all, I had a secret weapon.
I went into the bathroom where I had stacked the boxes of Axe Gold Temptation. I held one aloft and gazed at its shiny label with a sort of reverence. My finger moved to the top of the can as I prepared to cover myself in a cloud of effervescent lady bait.
Suddenly, my doorbell rang. I frowned in slight confusion, set the can of Axe down and walked to my front door. I pressed my eyeball against the peek hole and sucked in a sharp breath. It was the girl from the store, still in uniform and standing on my porch. She had her reddish hair pulled back into a loose ponytail and her arms crossed across her name tag. Her foot tapped an inconsistent beat against the deck wood.
I managed to snap my lower jaw closed and take stock of the situation. Holy crap! I didn’t even have to spray the stuff and a girl came running to my doorstep! Thanks Axe Gold Temptation! But now what? I was fully prepared to be charming and sexy tonight, but not quite this soon.
I needed to open this encounter with something clever. I tapped my chin for a moment, then I had it. Right as she was reaching out to ring the doorbell again I flung open the door, leaned up against the frame with my arms crossed, looked her right in the eye and said, “Let me axe you a question: was it the gold that proved a temptation, or was it just me?”
Smooth like velvet, bitches.
She blinked, then let out a small sigh and said, “Hey, yeah, I found out where you live. I take it you still have all that Gold stuff you had earlier today?”
I stretched one hand up to grab the edge of the door frame, my other arm cocked on my hip. I wasn’t even trying to flex my biceps; they were doing that on their own, I swear. I gave her a wink that felt like it used far too many facial muscles to come across as subtle.
“Why yes I do,” I said. “Would you like to, ahem, come inside and see my collection?”
Her nose wrinkled. “If it’s any consolation, I’m sorry about this.”
…and Her Friends Too!
The girl vanished into the night.
Or at least I thought that’s what happened. Then I realized far too late that what I thought was the enveloping darkness was actually two huge men dressed in all black pushing their way into my house. I jumped back, yelping a little (okay, a lot) as they lurched toward me. One of them looked like he had swallowed an entire Ryder truck, whereas his companion had perhaps just opted for the light lunch of a U-Haul trailer.
I fell over my couch, babbling something incomprehensible. The biggest one was upon me in two strides. His huge hand descended and palmed my skull like a basketball, pulling me onto my tiptoes. My eyes bulged out in different directions because they had no idea what else to do. He pressed his face far too close to mine, his breath hot like a slaughterhouse in summer.
“Shut your dumb mouth for a second, okay?”
When he spoke it rattled the glasses in my kitchen cupboard. “They call me Fork, you know why?”
My squealing gurgle was accepted as an answer.
“They call me Fork,” the behemoth continued. “On account of the fact that I once killed a guy with a fork. You get me?”
I have never so readily believed a boast in my life.
He released his grip on my head. My knees buckled beneath me and I sat down hard on the coffee table. Fork pulled a handgun from his waistband, as if he needed to look any more intimidating. He gestured toward the door with it.
“Come on in here, girly. We’re good now.”
Store Girl came into the house and brushed some food crumbs off the couch before sitting down a few feet from me. I understood the ruse now. The cute girl gets some doof to open his front door and then the huge goons move in and rob him blind. And I fell for it, damn it. I was ready to glare at her so hard but she never made eye contact.
“You sure this is the guy?” said Fork.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I saw him leaving with all of it.”
“Good.” Fork nodded once and turned to me. “So where is it, huh? Where’s the good shit?”
I stared at him blankly. “What? What shit?”
Fork gave a small wave of his hand. His meaty companion stomped up. In lieu of a gun he carried a long, rounded metal rod. The kind of post they use in chain link fences. He swung it like it was a wiffle bat, smashing a lamp into tiny, sad pieces.
Fork said, “My pal Chad here is going to sift through a few of your belongings. Here’s the thing, though. He don’t find what we’re looking for real quick then he’ll be doing some sifting through that skull of yours.”
Chad moved through the house, knocking my personal possessions around with the metal pole. Before I could object, Fork was in my face again. “Now tell me, rich guy, where’s all the gold?”
Everyone Wants It!
I blinked. “The what? The gold?”
Chad smashed a hole in my TV. I felt a piece of me die.
Fork poked me in the chest with the gun. “Don’t be smart with me. We know you’ve got it. Or are you calling the pretty lady here a liar?”
I looked over at Store Girl. She let out a small cough and stared straight ahead. I worked my jaw in confusion, uncertain which words were supposed to come out of it. All I could do was shrug emphatically.
Fork let out a heavy sigh and stood up straight. He reached behind him and tucked the pistol into his waistband. There was a brief flash of motion, then something knuckle-colored entered my peripheral vision.
My face hit the table, then the floor, followed closely by the rest of my crumpling body. To say I saw stars would be inadequate. The entirety of the cosmos exploded across my vision: bright, multicolored galaxies expanding and contracting across a canvas of infinite darkness, eons of celestial activity playing out in the space of a few seconds. I moaned a trickle of blood into the carpet.
Perception shifted as I was pulled into a vertical position and plopped back down on the coffee table. I took vague notice that Store Girl had moved, likely to avoid being anywhere near punch range. Fork came back into my field of vision, blurry at first, then slipping into focus as his words pierced through my mental haze.
“…have to ask you again, then I’m gonna let Chad land the next blow. And he’s been itching for some batting practice.”
“The gold,” I mumbled. Suddenly, everything made sense. These guys were after my Axe Gold Temptation. Had I gotten the last of it at the store? This stuff had to be an even more potent woman-attractor than I had realized, if men were willing to go to these lengths to get their hands on some. Was I an unwitting part of some sort of Axe Gold rush?
“The bathroom,” I said. “It’s all in the bathroom. On the counter.”
Fork raised an eyebrow, then nodded to Chad. “Go check it out.”
Chad complied, knocking holes in the drywall as he went.
Fork grinned at Store Girl, then turned back to me. “In the bathroom, huh? You dumb son of a bitch. You didn’t even lock it in a safe or anything.”
“I didn’t know how valuable this stuff was. I hadn’t really heard of it before.”
Fork’s expression turned quizzical. His mouth opened, about to spit out some sort of question, when Chad came back into the room.
“Fork, we got a problem here.” He carried in the two cardboard flats of Axe Gold Temptation and threw them down on the floor. A couple cans fell over and rolled a bit.
They stared at the cans for a long time.
“This some kind of goddamn joke?” Fork said, spinning around.
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t even spray any of it. It’s all there. That stuff will get you laid for sure.”
Fork snapped his fingers at me, a sound like a log of salami smacking into raw flank steak. “Shut the hell up. Chad, break some more of this wise ass’ shit, would ya?”
Chad obliged with glee, going to town on my interior decorations with his fence post. I winced at every crack and shatter.
“Man, come on,” I said. “You got what you wanted, didn’t you?”
In a second Fork was upon me, shaking me like an unloved baby. “Listen jackass, if I wanted to play games with you I would have brought a Yahtzee board! Now where is the gold? Not your stupid deodorant. The legit, yellow, precious metal gold?!”
I couldn’t stop a little giggle from escaping. “Wait, what? You’re looking for actual gold? Like ingots? Raw ore? Does it seem like I have any real gold? Look at all of my Ikea furniture!”
Fork pointed toward Store Girl. “But she said –!” The color left his face. His arm swung around to his back, patting around for something that was no longer there. He turned slowly.
The gun fit between the girl’s slender fingers like it had been molded for them. Her outstretched arm was completely still aside from a small twitch as she flicked the safety off. The two meat heads backed up, hands stuck up into the air. Not even all that muscle could protect them from a bullet to the brain.
There was a crack in what Fork likely intended to come off as a nonchalant laugh. “Well. Looks like you lied to us.”
She nodded. “Yeah. That’ll happen to you when you’re an asshole. It’s sort of a karma thing.”
I found myself edging sideways, away from Fork and Chad. The girl didn’t seem to mind; she kept the gun trained on them.
“Careful now, sweetheart,” Fork said. “There’s no need for anyone to get hurt here. We all did each other wrong tonight. I’ll be the first to admit that. Let’s not make things any worse than they already are.”
He edged forward slightly as he spoke, his arms moving outward as if to open wide for a hug. A jack o’ lantern grin started across his face.
The girl’s eyes narrowed. “Stop moving,” she said.
Chad eased toward her now, too. He stepped wide, clearing room between him and Fork. The pole started to rise up into the air. That thing gave him an extra three or four foot reach; with his forward progress the no-man’s land between him and Store Girl diminished rapidly.
“Uh…” was about all I could muster.
“Come on now,” Fork said. They were almost upon her. “You’re not going to shoot us, are you? Why don’t you put the gun down and we can all have a civil conversation about this. Chad, would you like to make the opening statement?”
Chad smiled. The pole cocked back. Fork lunged forward. I squealed.
It is Potent in Ways You May Not Realize
Store Girl paused for a brief moment, seemed like she was going to fire, then lowered the gun. Or, rather, pointed it downward. Toward the stack of Axe cans on the ground directly below the two thugs. A brief flicker of realization washed over their faces before she pulled the trigger.
The small spark from bullet on metal combined with the combustive force of the punctured aerosol can to spit forth a fireball into Fork’s nether regions. The flames took root in his denim and he screamed. He danced around, slapping at his crotch. Chad froze, pole at the ready but uncertain what to do with it. Then Store Girl fired again.
The second bullet caused a chain reaction, each can alternatively exploding as its exterior was melted by the burst of scented flame from the one preceding it. They launched around the room like flubber-coated missiles. Chad swung wildly with his fence post, batter up in a game of demonic baseball. Fork, still swatting at the stubborn fire clinging to his clothes, had started to yell “Chad, sto–” when the metal pole caught him in the jaw. He dropped to the ground with such force it likely shifted the house’s foundation.
Chad let out a yelp and dropped the pole. He rushed to Fork’s side just as an Axe can burst between. Both men were laid out on the floor now, rolling around and covering their vulnerable parts from the bombardment. Finally, Chad threw his arm around Fork’s neck and hoisted him to his feet. They screamed anguished gibberish and moved down the hallway, clutching each other for support. A wild can shot after them and again down they went.
Fire, as it is wont to do, began spreading. First in little pockets where the cans rebounded off something flammable, then seizing more vast tracts of real estate such as my couch and coffee table. I stood in a sort of dumb fascination as the heat began to take the hair off my eyebrows.
Suddenly, a hand gripped my shirt. “Move, moron!” Store Girl shouted, half dragging me toward the front door. We stumbled forward, tripped on the rug in the entryway. Wood cracked behind us and sparks shot into the air. At last, we made it outside. A fiery Axe can whizzed past my head, bounced off the grass and disappeared into the night. Store Girl slammed the door behind us. We stopped on the lawn some distance away, panting.
The sound of shattering glass came from around the other side of the house. Two huge silhouettes emerged, staggering, smoking and yelping from pain. They vanished into the surrounding trees like idiot Sasquatch. But my attention was diverted by the darkening plumes of smoke building up against my windowpanes.
“You have a fire extinguisher?” Store Girl asked.
I shook my head.
She mumbled something about being surrounded by idiots and punched numbers into her phone.
It Gets Results
Thanks to the prompt response of the local fire department, the flames had only gotten to consume about half of my living room before they were extinguished. As this happened, the police met with Store Girl and I and took our statements separately. Judging from the exasperated arm waving, she seemed significantly more enthusiastic in her recounting than I. After suggesting we spend the night or two in a hotel somewhere far away, the cops set off into the night in pursuit of two badly burned giants.
After a while of standing there, watching the firemen render the last pockets of fire into steam form, I glanced over at Store Girl. “So you told them I had actual gold, huh?”
“Yeah. They grabbed me in the parking lot after I got off work. Planned on doing all kids of horrible stuff to me, I’m sure, so I had to come up with some story to refocus their interests. Somehow they were dumb enough to buy it.”
I nodded. “So you brought them over here because you knew that I would help you get rid of them.”
She shook her head. “Quite honestly I thought they were going to kill you. I just needed to stall for time while I thought up a better plan. For some reason the first thing to pop into my head was you buying all that Axe today and I just ad-libbed from there.”
“Oh,” I said. We were quiet for a while.
She said, “I’m glad they didn’t, by the way. Kill you, I mean.”
I smiled. “Yeah, me too.” Finally, I plucked up the courage and turned to her. “Hey, do you think you’d ever want to, you know, go out with me sometime? Like to Denny’s or something?”
There was a slight whistling as she sucked air through her teeth. “No thanks. I’ve sorta got a thing with this guy, you know. We’re not like serious serious, but we’re pretty serious.” She gave me a long look. “Also, no offense, but you smell terrible.”
I gestured wildly toward my gutted apartment as my face flapped out incomplete sentences.“But you just blew up my…! I didn’t even get to use…! ”
The sweeping beams from a car’s headlights scoured my night vision. It stopped in front of my house and gave a quick beep.
“My ride’s here,” said Store Girl. “Take it easy, all right?”
She gave me a sort of a pat on the shoulder then made her way across the lawn
I waved at her back. “Yeah, you too. Bye… uh…” I stopped. In the heat of the whole ordeal, I’d completely forgotten to ask her name. Hell, I hadn’t even look at her name tag. I called out, “Hey, wait a second. I never caught your name!”
She paused for a moment.“I’ll see you around, Kevin,” she said and got into the car.
As the car pulled away, I watched her go until her tail lights became dimmer than the newly extinguished embers of my former living room. There was a warm swelling in my chest.
“I’ll see you around.”
I smiled. Well at least that’s something, isn’t it?
Axe Gold Temptation: It got a girl to talk to me. Five stars.