Product: Mega Washer!

The Mega Washer did not catch my attention as I wandered through my local Sears because of its looks. Don’t get me wrong, it looks quite nice for a traditional washing machine. Sleek design with a smooth black finish, the Mega Washer does impress. But no, what got my attention was the promotional sign that hung above it that read:

“MEGA WASHER! IT’LL CLEAN YOUR CLOTHES IN HALF!!”

Naturally, I was intrigued. A quick chat with the sales rep and a flash of my company credit card later and I had the Mega Washer set up in my demo room. On a whole, I was surprised by how easy the move was. The washer is incredibly light; the delivery guys barely struggled to carry it at all. Once it was set into place I simply plugged the cord into the wall and it was ready to go.

Before using the washer outright I decided to read through the owner’s manual. I realized that this would be a daunting task when I saw the size of the manual.

The thing is gigantic! I skimmed through it. It’s mostly just pictures of burly men bursting out of their shirts, monster trucks, and other “manly” testimony about the “RAW POWER OF THE MEGA WASHER!” The Mega Washer can’t seem to decide if it’s marketing itself as ominous or “awesome” which makes for some eyebrow raising moments in the thirty-five page warning/legal disclaimer part of the manual. It was full of gems such as, “MEGA WASHER and its affiliates assume no responsibility for damages to any matter- cloth, organic or otherwise, that is placed into its gaping maw” and “may cause epilepsy, even in those with no previous history of the disease. MEGA WASHER and its affiliates assumes no responsibility.”

What kind of washing machine gives a person epilepsy? All right, apparently I was going to have to be careful with this thing.

I gathered together a basket of my humble dirty laundry and prepared to feed them to this self-proclaimed beast of a washer. I was actually a little worried at this point, because I happened to like the clothes I was throwing in there. But I pressed on, made sure to read the operating instructions (it calls for a gallon of soap per load! An entire gallon!) and began the wash cycle. Things seemed to be going normally.

The curious thing I noticed about the Mega Washer is that it doesn’t seem to have a brand. Its not Maytag, Whirlpool or even Sears brand. I checked everywhere I could. In the manual, on the machine itself, even the sales rep at Sears didn’t seem to know. When asked he just got really still and stared into space for a few moments before snapping out of it and continuing the conversation like I had never asked the question.

About ten minutes into the cycle, the machine started emitting what I can only describe as a high pitch roar/growl. It began to glow red hot and bounce around like it was possessed.

Suddenly, it stopped and sat perfectly still. Nothing moved for a few minutes, and then the washer proceeded to explode into an angry light show. I snapped a picture and ran from the room, because all I could feel emanating from it was pure hate.

This is either the Mega Washer in action, or a picture from a Tool concert. I honestly can’t tell, because all I saw was rage and lasers.

I am not ashamed to admit that I ran to my room and laid curled up under my covers for the next hour before the sense of utter dread abated enough for me to go back and check on my clothes. To my surprise, not only were they completely intact, but they seemed quite clean as well.

One of my clean shirts: wrinkly, but un-destroyed.

In a way, I was slightly disappointed. All the Mega Washer did was provide a flashy, slightly terrifying,  rather expensive, but all-in-all basic washing experience.

Things took a turn however, when it turned its horrible screaming light show on in the middle of the night, waking the entire neighborhood up along with me. I unplugged it first thing the next morning, only to have it turn on again that night. When I checked the cord again, it had been plugged back into the wall. For two more nights I unplugged it, only to have it somehow be plugged back in. Finally, I got so sick of it that I ripped the back panel off the machine so I could tear the cord out completely, only to discover that there was nothing back there. No components, no wires, nothing. The cord I had been plugging into the wall was severed after a couple feet. It had never been connected to anything.

That night, when it erupted again I could hear– no, feel it whispering my name the entire time.

I have since returned the Mega Washer.

Verdict

It functioned as a washing machine yes, but overall the Mega Washer is not recommended.

I don’t dream anymore.

2 out of 10