What is Art? Can I Eat It?

 

Hello fellow review lovers! My name is Mona St. Westberg and I am proud to say that I am Reviews of the Month’s new art critic. I accept this honor with a blend of humility and excitement. Going forward, I hope to take the same brilliant standard of quality that RotM readers have come to expect and apply it toward the vast expanse of the art world. For we are artists ourselves, are we not?

But what does it mean to be an artist? Does it mean that we are better than others? Yes. Does it mean that we are above criticism? Yes, except from other artists. For who can judge an artist but an artist herself? That is what I am: an artist through and through. I draw, paint, and sculpt, but my greatest contribution to the art world is my unyielding ability to seek out the very essence of a work of art and reveal its glory for all to bask in.

As a critic, I firmly believe that in order to truly judge a work, one can not simply view a piece of art. One must consume it.

Thus, I have eaten every painting I have ever reviewed.

For how else would I truly know what that painting entails? What went into the work? Looks alone do not make art. Composition does. How did the artist put the painting together? What paint did they use? Did their sweat drip upon the canvas as they worked? These questions can only be answered by true consumption.

But how do I do it, you ask? How do I take such a complex display of life and human emotion and explore it so easily through mere taste and digestion?  Simply put, I have cultivated an extremely refined palate for the arts. Even before I could walk, my parents instilled the love of art into me. They fed me oil paints, lead paints, plaster and ceramic, anything and everything in the art world! I gobbled them up, so great was my God-given love of the arts. I hold that love even today. In fact, last night I ate a delectable acrylic soufflé paired with a perfectly steamed bed of easel slivers. My mouth waters just imagining it.

Yes, occasionally people in my life tell me I must stop this. They tell me it is bad for my health. But what part is bad for my health? My searing passion for the arts? I scoff at them! Brain damage, they say it causes. But they are rhinoceroses all of them! Greedy, jealous rhinoceroses with their devil wings and savage dubstep clothing! Be gone, I tell you! Shampoo diapers! Vanillabation!!

So my message here is to artists of all types. Old and young, experienced or not, prepare yourselves to be scrutinized, lauded and exposed. When I review your work, I will devour its very essence and share the beauty of it with the entire world. Your art is about to be experienced as never before: in my mouth.

Loyal readers, I am eager to turn my hunger loose on the community. Let us journey forth together, art lovers. You are in good hands.

Sausages!