Hi everyone! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kitty Fondue, and I am the new food and cocktails columnist for The Double Thumb! I’m super excited to have the opportunity to write here, so I won’t waste another word getting started!
I was hoping my first column would come in time for Easter, but no such luck. I had one all written up, but before I could post it a couple of my sly new coworkers tied me up and locked me in a sanitation closet for the entire weekend. D’oh! I’m so clumsy.
Anywhoo, in the spirit of those pranksters, let us instead embrace another holiday that is right around the corner: April Fools’ Day!
Trust me, I know a thing or two about April Fools. I have a great sense of humor. One time, I laughed for six straight hours. My ex even broke up with me halfway through and I still kept laughing! That’s how dedicated to jokin’ around I am.
So in honor of April Fools, I got to thinking about how I could put my own little twist on this fun mini-holiday. And what goes better with laughter than some good drinks? Here are a few fun (not too cruel) drink-related prank ideas to keep you in the mirthful spirit! Enjoy!
A Glass of Extra-Fragrant Scotch
There is hardly a drink as dignified as Scotch Whiskey. The good stuff has been aging in barrels for 12, 16, even 20 years! That’s some real dedication to producing a fine spirit. This makes it all the more fun when you pull the following prank on that special whiskey aficionado in your life!
When he comes through the door in the evening, still in his work clothes, offer him a nice glass of scotch to help ease away the stress of the day. After you pour the scotch, it is important to let it breathe for a few minutes. This allows the aroma of the liquor to react to the air in the glass, creating a complex array of flavors for the most refined of palates. While the glass is sitting is also the perfect window in which to unleash your clever prank!
First, make sure no one can see you, of course. Then, gently place the glass of scotch on the floor. Next, bend down and, getting as close to the glass as you can, fart right into the drink. Finally, serve the scotch to your beloved and act as if nothing is amiss!
Your fart will give the scotch a pungent, sour-ey aftertaste that he’ll probably attribute to peat or something. Make sure you nod your head as he goes on about the importance of single-malt distilling and butchers the pronunciation of the name on the bottle.
Somebody’s Had a Bit Too Much Corned Beef and Cabbage!
Well, we’re a little ways past St. Patty’s Day now, but I bet if you dig around in your cooler you’ll find some leftover Guinness back there. This will give you the perfect opportunity to prank that unsuspecting beer-lover of yours! Just crack open the Guinness can – and yes, it has to be a can! They have little nitrogen balls inside them that gives the beer a much bigger head when you pour it. You’ll see why this is important in just a moment.
Pour the Guinness into a tall pint glass (be sure to tilt the glass as you pour!) and let it sit a moment. See all those little bubbles in there? Let them rush to the top and form that big signature head that Guinness drinkers know and love. Then, riiiiiight before you serve it, pull down your pants and let a big ‘ol fart rip directly into the foam!
The reason you want all that foam up there is because of how much better it will hold your noxious butt spray. When you serve it to your hubby/boyfriend/whoever try not to grin too much after he takes a sip and come away with a big glob of foamy fart-stache on his lip!
Moscow Mule Pasture
Here’s our first cocktail proper. Now, it might take a bit more preparation, but trust me when I say that this one will be worth it! The Moscow Mule is a refreshing older drink that’s really making a comeback these days. Now, with my clever April Fools Day twist, you’ve got the perfect cocktail to quench thirsts and induce some hearty belly laughs!
If you can, you simply must make this drink in the classic copper mug! Sure, it’s just for aesthetics, but the extra punch of classiness that the copper mug provides really just elevates the whole new level. Plus, when a drink looks this good, no one will expect that you have farted in it.
Whoops, I’m getting ahead of myself! Let’s start with the ingredients:
1.5 oz Vodka
Mint leaves (4-5)
Start by muddling a few mint leaves and a bit of fresh squeezed lime juice at the bottom of the mug. Then fill with ice. Then add the vodka. Fill with ginger beer. Garnish with another little pinch of mint, hang a lime wedge on the side, and you are almost ready!
Now, got that last piece of garnish on there? You’ll never guess what you’re gonna do next!
Fart on it.
You squat down, pull apart those cheeks and fart right on that sprig of mint. Do it. Fart on that copper cup until you turn it green. Fart.
Now serve it up! He’ll totally be taken off guard!
Extra “Spicy” Bloody Mary
Bloody Marys tend to be an early morning drink, so you’ll be better off serving this one the next day. But hey, just because April Fools is over doesn’t mean the jokes have to stop!
After all those stinky drinks the night before, your man is probably going to be waking up the next morning with a fierce hangover. We’ve all been there! The best way to counteract that feeling is with a bit of hair of the dog. Why do they call it the hair of the dog? It’s because dogs are stinky, and you’re going to fart in this drink.
Because the special potency of a Bloody Mary comes from the blending of all the various components thrown together in the glass, it is important to treat everything with individual care. Therefore, you need to fart on each ingredient separately.
Salt (for the rim)
Salt and pepper
Start with a pint glass. Fart in it.
Moisten the rim with your farty hands and coat it in salt.
Fill the glass with ice (You don’t need to fart on each cube individually, unless you REALLY want to go the extra mile.)
Pour in the vodka (Be sure to shart the shot glass!)
Add the Worcestershire sauce (Don’t worry if you can’t pronounce it, you can still fart on it!)
Next the Tobasco (Be careful not to get this too close to your butt! Can you say ouch?)
Fill glass about 2/3 full with Tomato juice. Fresh squeezed only! (The fart, that is.)
Add salt and pepper. (I find the best way to do this is to sprinkle it into your hand and then reach behind you to fart on it. DO NOT fart directly on the salt shaker! That’s just rude.)
Now you can add your garnishes. Celery is a must, but beyond that feel free to go crazy! I like to add as much to mine as I can so that it doubles as a meal. You’ll see ham, meatballs, and green onions in that picture above, for example. I like it extra chunky!
Just be careful farting on the lettuce leaf, if you add one, because it will wilt.
Serve this concoction with a side of Advil and your poor prankee will be none the wiser to your shenanigans! Let’s be honest: if he hasn’t caught on by now, you can probably keep this up forever. Happy drinking!