So… One of Our Writers Might Be Dead (and Other Discussions)

We’re trying something new here at The Double Thumb! Every now and then I (the intern, hi) will do a small discussion/summary article like this, just to encourage participation in the comments. We want to hear what our readers have to say, especially if you have any information about the whereabouts of one of our missing staff writers.

A few months back, our product reviewer wrote an article that ended on a rather ominous note. At first I didn’t think anything of it. Kevin Harper has always had a flair for the dramatic, so I figured this was just him going above and beyond.

This was last June. It has been nine months since we heard anything from him.

Now, admittedly there was a while there where nothing was posted on the site (due to yet another bear attack in the server room), but the other writers were at least still in contact. Kevin, however, has gone completely dark.

The higher-ups here don’t seem too worried. They say this kind of stuff happens all the time, and that the longer he’s on hiatus the less they have to pay him. Still, I’m someone who has twice called the police because a movie started two minutes late and I was afraid that the projectionist had a heart attack. I worry a lot.

Oh God. I could have saved you, and yet I did nothing.

If anyone out there has come across something large decomposing in a river, or seen any vaguely Kevin-shaped lumps inside of a giant boa constrictor, please bring it to our attention. Thanks.

Moving on to other areas of note…

Chris Derricks is in the middle of his first travel challenge for The Double Thumb. This is a new feature for the publication. They thought sending people to exotic locales would spice things up. I’m not going to disagree, See, when they first discussed doing these travel challenges, I thought they would be something like “collect X number of weird souvenirs” or “try an extreme sport” (i.e. bungee jumping). But no, Chris went straight to criminal activities. That’s good.

Why they chose to send Chris Derricks on this assignment, I don’t know. Though I don’t actually understand any of the decision making process surrounding Chris’ continued employment here. I expect it must involve nepotism and/or bribery.

By the way, if you’re thinking that Chris is going to be angry with me for saying all this, don’t worry. He never reads anything longer than maybe a tweet, so this 700-ish word post is way too daunting for him.

“How does he write, then?” you may ask?

Fun fact: Chris doesn’t actually type out his own columns. He dictates them by shouting a two hour voicemail into some poor sap’s phone (usually mine) and then making him decipher the madness.

“Nah, bro, there’s like, ‘splosions and stuff, and they’re all BWWOOOSSSKKKCCCHHH and then that chick like totally got all over my D afterwards.” -an actual conversation with Chris Derricks.

Aaaaand… segue!

I guess if I’m going to bring up anything else as a topic of discussion, it’s going to have to be politics, isn’t it? We don’t usually get too political here at The Thumb. If we’re going to alienate our readership, it’s going to be because of ourselves, dammit. However, this monster of a primary season is the dominant narrative in the States right now, so it is inevitable that any comment section is going to find itself filled to the brim with angry, occasional voter types.

Watching this election play out is what I imagine watching sports must be like for people who enjoy sports. It’s got brutality of rugby, the trash talk of American football, and the incomprehensible strategy of whatever the hell they’re doing in curling.

Everyone I talk to seems incredibly invested in what happens. Whether it’s because they’re pleasuring themselves to memes of Bernie Sanders or because they’re rendered inert and malleable by the horrible magnitude of Donald Trump, everyone seems to have a fierce opinion.

In a way, I almost don’t. I certainly have an idea of which way the cataclysm pendulum would wsing, but other than that I’m just watching for fun. To stick with the sports metaphors, it’s like watching a game of hand grenade volleyball. You know just about everyone involved is going to be horribly exploded, so you try not to get too attached.

Though in some cases the carnage will probably wind up killing all of the bystanders too.

Keep in mind that my comments do not represent the opinion of The Double Thumb organization as a whole.

All right, that’s enough from me for now. If you have anything to discuss, feel free to vigorously press the comment button below. Anything goes, unless you happen to be delivering a ransom letter for Kevin Harper. We’d prefer you send that the old-fashioned way and cut some letters out of magazines.

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Image credits: Cover gravestone, Projectionist, Pestilence